It’s day 12 of a 30-day writing challenge. I had no idea when I committed (self-commitment) to doing this challenge that 8 of those days would be so full that it would be nearly impossible to sit and write. A few times I tried, but complete exhaustion had set in and writing just wasn’t there.
Tonight, I am choosing to bleed my heart to the world (aka whoever reads this blog).
Today hasn’t been my best day. Not because of tragedy or injustice that has befallen me, but because of me. I have written socially more than once in the past few months its been the hardest 12ish months for me spiritually. My deepest desire is to be refined. God, please circumcise the darkest parts of my heart that don’t bring glory to you. Purify me in your refining fire that holiness would abound and your light would shine brighter and brighter.
Today has surfaced in one way or another at least 5 times, maybe more, in the past year. Friends, we all struggle with something. My something is called anger. When it rears its ugly head, it’s… ugly. Tonight I write from a heavy heart. A heart that honestly feels shame. I know… I know… there is no condemnation… I know. It doesn’t negate the sorrow I feel for my actions in an angry moment. My anger came out to complete strangers that I would never see again. My heart is unresolved because I can’t fix this. An apology is not possible.
I repent. I beg the Lord to help me… again.
Test me, Lord.
James 1 is one of my favorite verses. If you know me, you probably just smiled because I say this verse ALL THE TIME.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4 ESV
Today my faith was tested. A handful of times in the past year my faith has been tested. Friends, I failed the test. Repeatedly. As my journey of sanctification continues, I am reminded to daily take up my cross and crucify my flesh.
My flesh believes that I am justified in all of my thoughts and emotions. THAT IS A LIE. I would love to tell you all that I have righteous anger, but that is also a lie. I have a flesh that wants to be right and fight for herself. After all, the root of sin is selfishness.
What is steadfastness
This word seen often in the New Testament means to endure, patient continuance. When life blows in like a hurricane, you remain unmoved. Your faith may be tested, but it does not fall apart. You stand grounded in knowing the God of all creation has got you. Each trial provides an opportunity that your faith in God to be secure.
Today was a test and my solution for a not great situation was anger. It proved nothing about my faith but rather provided more proof that I am still in desperate need of a savior to redeem, sanctify, and teach me.
Embrace the wound
If you have read this far, you may be wondering what wound I am talking about. My heart has been wounded. Wounded by sin and darkness. A wound that I often open up again and again. A wound that can only be healed by Jesus. I am praying that I soon pass this test and that this particular laceration is officially closed, with only a scar remaining. A reminder that God does the miraculous and redeems us to himself. My righteousness in Christ is not my own, but the work of an incredible God and mighty Savior. I am so not worthy, and yet the apple of his eye. I will never fully understand the grace of the Lord, but it overwhelms me as I attempt to rest in it.
I have no desire to embrace my anger or sin. I just want to embrace the work of the Holy Spirit on my wounded soul and prepare for the day I can see the scar. I reminded a friend today, “Our battle is won. Sin has no victory over us; even though today we feel defeated.” I won’t live in defeat. Don’t worry friends, my joy is still there. The consequences of sinful actions are just a reminder that I am not complete but a work in progress.